What I Have
by Hasselhoff
Summary: Standalone:: Abby reflects on the past, but is thankful for the future.


**Authors Note-** Okay, this is not the normal kind of thing I would write. I don't think it does justice to my writing and Liby described it in one word. Crap. I know this isn't a good way to 'pimp' my writing so to speak. But I would just like to hear what everyone thoughts of this fic are. It's different for me. I liked writing it, and I was sort of sick of all the sad and depressing that I was writing. Anyways, thanks for reading if you do...

Three years. It doesn't seem that long. Hell, time just flies by. But lately, it must be the time of year, but lately, I've been thinking about him. I miss him. But not the way I thought I would. I'm happy for him. Why shouldn't I be? He has everything he ever wanted. A wife, a child, another child on the way. The things I could never give him, things I never wanted.

Three years later, I can't help but think back to those three years we shared together. I could never use the word happy, at least not honestly. Not back then. Now I can, because it's a word that truly describes me. Sometimes it may not, but in general, I'm happy. I searched for fulfilment in places I could never hope to find it. In people. Wanting to be stronger than I thought I was. I'm strong now, I'm happy and strong. Funny how that works. You have to loose everything in order to gain everything.

Now I've got more than I could ever want, more than I thought I would ever have.

He walks by me, his son in his arms, dangling upside down, laughing. I can't help but laugh with him. I shake my head, watching as the father and son walk by me. I use to think that would be me with him. Not necessarily me child. I never wanted kids. Too much to risk, too much to loose. Not enough to gain. I didn't think I could make them happy.

I wasn't perfect.

I'm not perfect.

No one is.

I'm also not screwed up. Well, not in the ways I use to be, or think I was. I can't believe how one letter, one moment, can change a life. It was due. Long over due. But nothing ever hit me so hard. I've never spoken to him about it. Never told him how those words dug into me, shattered me, but at the same time, made me realise who I really am. What I'm really capable of. I'm not sure if I owe him a thank-you or not. He made me realise what I could never see. I went home that night and took a good hard look at myself. At who I was, who I wanted to be, who I thought I was. Nothing seemed to match up. So I made them.

Life isn't perfect now. To others it may still be a bit dysfunctional, but I've never enjoyed myself this much. I've never been this... content... This willing to risk it all. I have all my dreams, I've accomplished everything.

But him.

Not that I deserve him. I'd like to tell him though, let him know everything he meant to me. I never will, not today at least. Maybe, one day, he'll get a letter of his own.

I feel as smile creep over my lips, and decide I've worked way too many hours today. I gather my charts, setting them down on the admin desk. There's no place I'd rather be now than home. Where it's peaceful, and I won't be puked on... Well that's not a guarantee, but it's less likely. The lounge is virtually empty. Except for one thing... Person actually. He sits on the couch, cradling his son in his arms. I watch him. Nothing- no one, has ever looked so beautiful. The tiny boys head in the crook of his dad's shoulder, eyes closed sleeping peacefully.

"You working?" I whisper, disturbing the moment. He looks up at me, smile still present on his lips.

"Yeah, I just have to wait for Kem... We were upstairs looking at the suites." He smiles, a proud father. His children are very lucky. "You heading home?"

I nod as I open my locker, medical journals clutter it. I should probably clean it out one day. I pack up all my things, throwing my jacket over my shoulders. It's gotten colder lately, those winter months slowly approaching.

"I'm so lucky to have him." I glance over at John again. Remembering just a few years ago when his son's life was in the hands of fate. I stood by his side, held his hand when Kem couldn't. A selfless act I don't think I could have done before. Every now and then a pang of jealousy would shoot through me. Wishing I could be with him... I could be the one he goes through the hard with, but the good at the same time. Carl lived. I wasn't need as much, not by John... But whenever he did need me. Those late night fights with Kem, I was there. Offering a couch to sleep on. A shoulder to cry on. I don't regret a minute of it.

I don't regret a minute of my time with him.

"Yeah... He's prefect. He's really beautiful, Carter." I can see the tears in his eyes. I never understood why parent's became so emotional over their children. Lately, I've had a better idea.

"Thanks." I walk closer to the door, a few feet away from John. "Just thanks- Thanks for everything Abby." I smile, tucking a strand of hair behind my ears. I'm not sure if that's a thanks for helping him all those years... Paying him back for helping me, when I didn't think I needed it. But I did. Or if it's for watching Carl earlier today. Probably the latter, but I take it for what its worth. For him I'd do anything.

"Yeah. Thank you too." I leave the lounge, hoping he caught the depth of that...

The winter breeze catches me off guard at first. Whipping the browned leaves along the cement. I pick the pace up, wanting to get home. The dark sky looms above, I can hear the rumbling of the L in the distance. I moved about a year and a half ago, a nice little apartment. It was closer to the hospital, a bit more sensible. A bit bigger than my old one.

I walk up the steps to my apartment, just as the snow falls down around me. I take a moment, looking out at the city. I love the first snowfall, everything is so beautiful... clean. Something the city can't claim to be most of the time. I watch it for a second, the kids building snowmen... Soon everything will change, it will get dirty, mucky, turn shades of brown that I didn't know existed.

I walk into the building, thoughts flooding my mind. Him. Her. Together. It use to make me shudder, I hated it. Hated him. Not verbally, I never would have said it. But for leaving me, for doing things he _promised_ he wouldn't. I can't hold it against him now. But as Christmas nears I can't help but think of my first happy Christmas. It was with him. I doubt he thinks of it, he may not even remember. But it meant something to me. At the time it meant everything. Some days I wish he was still here. I think he understood me in a way no one else could, in a way I couldn't understand myself.

I sigh thoughtfully, before jamming my key into the door. Entering a quiet, dark apartment. I toss my bag and coat onto the floor. I need coffee, I have a few charts I have to finish, and I'll never get through them if I don't have caffeine in me. I start to make the coffee, before two arms come up and wrap around my waist. I rest my head against his chest, just needing a moment to relax.

"How was your day?" He murmurs in my ear, placing a kiss on my cheek.

"Mm... Long." He chuckles lightly in my ear. "How's Emma?" He sways me back and forth.

"Good... She's sleeping... Thank god." I laugh. She probably gave him a run for his money today. She's only one and a half. She tires easy.

Ryan leads me over to the couch, wrapping his arms around me. Together we have a few minutes together, before the coffee is ready, and the baby screams. This isn't the life I thought I wanted... The life I thought I would have. And from time to time, day to day, I miss him... He was the love of my life at one point. To this day he will always be the one who got away. I can't change what happened with him, but I love the life I have, and I wouldn't change it for the world. He'll always be a friend. A piece of my past. I have everything I want right here.


End file.
